recovering relationships

Hi blog family- I'm back!
Relationships after foster care.

It is hard to have any-when you have no good example to choose from.
 So if you are not sure how to pick a good mate or friend-stop picking the bad ones- the one who has all the drama, gossip, negative words!
If nothing else, you know that ANY relationship should consist of two people that respect, admire and love each other for whom they are-never trying to change them or mold them, accepting them with flaws (as long as it is not drama or you doing all the work).. both parties should get something out of each other that makes them do better, love harder and want to be greater!
Don't settle for crazy, lazy, drama friends and mates-
life is short-only surround yourself with people that love you and have your best interest at heart IF there is any hint of jealousy, envy, hatred, mean spiritness- ABANDON SHIP!! God put plenty of people on the earth for you- its up to you to find them!
You are loved, and the universe needs you to get yourself together so that you may help the other 500,000 kids in foster care!!
xo Tanya

looking for a sibiling?

hi blog family!

As you all know I have been searching for my baby brother Mark for years.
He was adotpted to a family of doctors in Elmsford, NY when he was around 3 years old.

 I know he had a sister and his new parents were african american and they were doctors..atleast one parent was...
I share this with you because if you are seperated from your siblings you should never give up trying to find them.
 1. they could live local (my brother was less than 15 miles away
2. you may end up marrying your sibling if you don't know them!!
3. they could save your life one day if you need blood or bone marrow...i'm just saying...

I can never date a guy named mark that is light skinned, red afro or freckles...because that may be my baby brother!!
 It is sad that I have to guess if that is my brother in a club or have to tell my kid "that could be your uncle"...
I think with age progression he would look like chris brown or micheal ealy...
but I have not seen him since he was 3...
now I look exactly the same as I did at 3 (from pics I saw previously)... so does my other siblings...one in which has died)...so I suspect he will look the same...
 but for now I must guess until I have the luxery of hiring a private detective...

I use to go to the house in Elmsford, NY for weekly visits and I know it is 5 minutes from paul bunion statue at the gas station.... but my memory fails to find the little white house with the porch....

perhaps it is not time to find him yet, but I will never give up and neither should you. We should not have to stop loving a sibling because they are adopted, we should be given a choice by the adopted parent to keep in touch or get updates every year...why not?
 I am sure he wants to know what we look like.
I am grateful if he is with a loving family...and I remember them as such...but it would have been nice, if someone, even the agency would have updated us on his life..even if we could not see him...
If you adopt please keep this in mind: we never stop loving our sibilings...even if they are taken away for a good reason..

thanks for loving our siblings xo
Tanya

thinking of adopting

Hi blog family:
Be patient I may address child, foster parent or adoptive on the same page...working on fosterparentsonly.blogspot.com for any issues with adoptive or foster kids.
for those that was in care and may have been adopted please take the time to write back and let us know your experience.
For those who were only in group homes and now adults: 
It is fustrating to see others get adopted and your left in the group home or they went to a foster home and you got left. It can be better to be in a home BUT if you are not with a good family--your better off in a group home setting. The trick of survival: utilizing all your resources! Councelors, programs, therapist...education...I know plenty of adults who came out better than those in foster homes--why? Because they took advantage of what they had and got their education ALONG with discovering what they needed to work on to heal...
You can tell if you are healing by how much anger you harbor. Ask yourself are you often angry or tense, screaming, mad, upset easy, worry all the time? If yes to any of these (and it is "normal" to feel all of these as an adult who was in care)..find a good therapist or start/find a support group in your area for adults just like you. It is important to get if off your chest, so that you can move on the greatness!!! xo


NOTES FOR ADOPTIVE PARENTS:


 http://www.americanadoptions.com/adoption/link_resource

I know most people think that when they adopt a child that life will be bliss. If you get an older child that has been traumatized in any way---including abandonment--they will need to resolve those issues BEFORE adulthood.  My suggestion is to view my site, read my book and check all resources on adoption. Find the best therapist available to children and start processing and allowing the child to understand what has happend to them and how you are going to help change their life. Don't try to "hide" the adoption, lie or coverup because while it may be great that a parent gave them away--it is a hard fact to know that your parents gave you up--even if it was for the better. You must allow them the space and time to know this, work through it and appreciate it--then they can understand your role and love you and "need" you. I enclosed a link you may find helpful for resources.

what am i grateful for?

Hi blog family!

glad you are amongst the living!! Remember every waking day is a day to reflect and move forward with positive change!
Today's question: What are you grateful for today??
Don't tell me you have nothing--even if your in a shelter, broke, have one leg, I can find SOMETHING to be grateful for!!
Try...YOUR LIFE!! Some did not wake today-you did, so that is one thing. What about your health, can you walk, talk and read? That is alot. The universe is plentiful and it will always give you what you deserve--IF you put effort and thought into what you want! Good things will not happen by accident, it will be because of willpower, preserverance and endurance, all of which you have, since you surivived foster care!
I pray that you will understand your role on this earth for the new year, study your gifts and talents and see how they made you who you are AND see how you can use them this year to not only bring you more financial success but to help others in foster care...If we all reach back for the 500,000 in care, there  won't be anyone left one day... keep moving forward for the new year, don't dwell on past mistakes or negative people, places or things! You have divine purpose and know that the universe is waiting for you to make your mark!! Pratice being grateful for what you have and "feeling" good for it and you will gain more! xo Tanya

the sun is shinning

hi blog family!
The sun is shinning. The snow has fallen, and will fall again, but I suggest getting up, getting out and finding something proactive to do!! Every waking moment (even if your not working) should be spent writing down goals, planning the day, the week, the year and staying focused only on that which is positive!! xo Tanya
here are some icecyles i took a pic of out of my window today...enjoy , we only get one life!! Every day you wake-especailly in reasonable health--you should be excited like you won $1million dollars!! It means you are given another chance to get it right and to help save or change a life! xo Tanya

advice for those layed off

Hi blog family!
I see the headlines are not looking the most cheerful--don't worry--all things change as each day passes.
I talked to five more people this week that was laid off of their jobs.
 I use to feel sad and think OMG! but now I think what if the universe is trying to lead you to something better? What if you have some talent that you are not using to help others...(sing, dance, write, draw, clean, talk whatever)...
Now that you are laid off you have time to sit and think:
 what do I do so well that no one else can or everyone ask me to do "that"?

Maybe its time to start your own day care service with just two kids untl you get your liscence, i am sure you can find a single mother that needs a dependaple person to care for her kids while she is at work> Maybe its time to start your jewelery business, your friends are always buying your earrings and requesting you make more,..

maybe its time to write that screenplay you dreamed of, especially now that you can you tube for free how to write a screenplay or anything else you need to know (study french, write a novel whatever--its on youtube!!)
Don't view being laid off as the worse, even if you have to move out of your fancy apartment, maybe there is a better one waiting.

The point is its all on you, find your gifts and talents, perfect them and then figure out how to make money off of them. Sell your items dooor to door, it worked for our parents--without marketing.

 THis is a big universe and there are plenty of opportunity's waiting for you--if you wake up and realize your dream--not the boss you worked for for all those years, giving him/her all your time, being away from your kids, missing out on writing, while they earned the big profits--

make your own profits and remember because you are the boss now,

save your money for retirement!!
Stay focused and true to you and follow your dream, it is why your here and it will guide you to what you need to be doing and who you need to be helping,
 xo Tanya

what will I need to get to my greatness?

Hi blog family!
back to school for the kids, back to work for us.
 I know its hard..but you are doing it!! stay strong and postive.
 Have you ever wanted something so bad but you just keep NOT getting it-so it seems? $, fame, cars, friends, jobs, skills, clothes, life style, career, (ie..doctor, judge)..talent....
I say to you ask yourself why do you want it?Do you need it or just want it to feel great or look great or be great?
 if its the last,,go for it!.
For instance if you wanted to be more known/visible at work...not so great UNLESS it was so you could help teach/show other unnoticed workers its not so hard to be noticed for your good work and how you respect and treat others.Wants: The cause of why you do it or want "it" is very important because if it is a good reason...you will keep trying until the very end-even when others discourage you.At the end of our lives you want to be remembered for the good you did or who you helped, saved or changed, not by the outfits you wore or the people you hung with or the house you lived in! When you think of wanting something so bad, (going back to school- trying to be a doctor one day or a singer or a bball player.. over 25, math teacher), think of why you are doing it, is it for the love or for the fame....it is never too late if for the right reason. I know a lady that became a rollerblade pro at 80!! she wanted to show other seniors, life is not over, until you die!! thanks to her, i started rollerblading/skating at 18...others that saw her lost 200 pounds--because the 80 year old inspired them!..the reason was good...

keep all your dreams alive, daily by writing them down and looking at them everyday..visualization very important!
you are forever young as you feel and do...but remember your never too young or old  to leave a legacy--while your alive-- so do ALL things with GOOD intention and purpose-because this is what you will be remembered by and others may follow or find their destiny by watching you! We all have divine purpose--find yours!!
 xo Tanya

The search is on for foster families

Really, a search?
 Why do we try to save money and end up spending more later?
There use to be a time when it was more lucrative for foster kids to be in group homes (remember when all the dark skin kids stayed because no one would pick us--we thought it was our age...and now we know it was our color.and money to keep us longer..(not many will admit this read "WILDER"case.  but it was the agency's then only placed you according to religion..if you were catholic, prodestent or jewish-you was placed with better agency's....(or so we thought until you read some foster care books written by all races...so much for the "take care of your own theory...
It is a differenct system now but it is still running on old beliefs and values" let's get the kids out of their "unsafe" enviornement and put them in a camp like enviornment, (hello..what "camp" has ever worked for healing souls...only summer camp and that was refuge from all your brothers and sisters....) meeting all of their needs... if the city paid more and did better screenings, ( I hear alot of people who have foster kids--that are criminals and abusive .
they would find alot of homes BUT just because you take a kid does not mean your a good parent...even if you have one....what will be the determining factor is how much resources will you put into this child having a future so bright, they cannot find room for the  word failure in their vocabualry? No one is thinking...I have many solutions...but they are busy asking people who were never in foster care, did not know they was in foster care--until after the fact, or people that never heard of foster care and want to "do a good deed"! WRONG! when you want real solutions on how to fix foster care they should come to us--we lived it, especially those who grew up in care 5-21 and different enviornments, foster and group homes... 
I am not babbling, I am saying if we want our kids to age out successfully we must invest in them mentally, and physically and financiallly..by making sure WHEREVER they are placed, there is love, caring people, contacts, therapy with a modern approach, and understanding that it takes work to heal from abandonment. not money... or just any foster family....
You are blessed and a blessing Tanya

feeing down?

Soc Le Cour (this is the top of Paris, once you climb those stairs and look down you feel like you are on top of the world--YOU ARE--everyday if you believe it!!!
hi blog family!!!
I know the holidays are among us and this is a hard time for anyone without family OR anyone who did not get the holiday love and peace they deserved as a child. THis is a time where many take their own lives or may do more drugs or high risk behavior things.
I write to you today to encourage you to stay strong and know that YOU have divine purpose!! Yes, I say it often but i say it in truth. How do I know?
 How could you be so divine with so many problems to face in this life?? YOU are human and we are all here on this earth to experience ALL elements of this earth, love, joy, pain, excitement, family, whatever--each of us have our own map to follow.
For you NOT to be depressed, you have to erase the word from your vocabulary...use another like..i am feeling so challenged today.
 Don't allow negative words or people in your life...even if it means being alone until you find new friends, mates or family substitutes!! Life is hard but don't take it personal--we all go through something at sometime!!! The universe does not pick on one person, it has lessons, great, ugly and bad for ALL of us!! How you work through them or learn from them is the divine part, this will tell you how much charector you have! You must always believe that feeling down is only temporary--even slaves and those in the holocaust found  a second to laugh or smile at something...don't dwell on what you cannot change and if you can change it--get to work!!! You are needed: someone would not be here without you! Someone would die, cry or kill without you in their lives, you do matter most-don't forget it and spread love to someone today, call a friend that comforts you. When all else fails and you have no one look to the sky and tell the universe "thanks for my life, no matter where i am at" because i have life, i can always get more, do more and be more...xo Tanya

I thank the universe for you, because you are reading my blog which means I am doing something right...smile, we all love you and know you are important to the universe!!

voting??

hi blog family-yes, it's me! busy with getting the book out trying before xmas!
Just wanted to remind you to vote today..you have until 9pm! If you don't vote, you should because:
1. our ancestors died so that we could have the right to vote
2. Rosa Parks lead a sit in so that we could sit anywhere on a bus
3. our ancestors need to know we honor them by voting and making our voices heard when we can-for ALL people!
4. if you don't-don't complain that your town, city or area has bad schools or not enough books, you did not vote, so we got "whoever" in office...
make a difference and let your voice be heard. If you want to make voting fun find a group of friends who like the same person for office-and all of you have coffee before work and then vote at the same time!! we must use our voice and teach every kid you know how to like politics by using his or her voice!!
you are loved blessed and special, Tanya