abusive relationships

Hi blog family!

I saw that a young lady was gunned down by her baby's father yesterday and thought i should go over relationships-one more time, (1st was with Rhianna and Chris Brown).

I will give MY views on early signs of an abuser...or mate/friend that is NOT good for you! 

1st. in ANY relationship....no one should be yelling at you!!!
 have ears to hear and God made you a voice to use and a mind to use...
2. checking your phone, want to know who is calling, why, when--even family!!!
3. showing up in places you did not invite them too!! stalker
4. asking over and over the same question, where were you etc....interrogation!!!
5. telling you insults- how "ugly, stupid, fat, lazy etc..... repeatedly!!! trying to put you down (at first they may not do it the first date but if you listen, usually you will see a sign the 1st day!!!!!!! (think back real hard)..
6. Pushing, shoving, hitting, etc... NO ONE has a right to put their hands on you!!! Even if you are caught in a situation with another mate---NO one should EVER hit you (if you are DEFENDING/PROTECTING yourself, that is different!!! You are a human being and you were made DIFFERENT than animals because YOU have a MOUTH!!!! Talking is how you solve problems, not violence and anyone who says different, RUN!!!! This world is lacking love and understanding and until we realize WAR of ANY kind NEVER solves problems... we will always be back at square one!!

Think: if war solved problems or fighting--why does it produce revenge  and hatred that last for hundreds of years (Israel and Palestine, just ONE example)...
war / fighting never solves anything DO NOT waste your precious life fighting anyone or being in the company of violent beings!!! xoxo
You are special and loved- smile, someone is watching you!!!!! Tanya

How deep is your pain for motivation

Hi blog family!

I mentioned before that your habits are only as good as your tolerance for pain. Some of us learn by our pain levels.
When you were a kid you did not touch the stove because you knew you would get burned, (because at some point you put your hand next to it and found out it was HOT)...
now think of this example for everything you want to change in your life.
Bad relationship,
overeating,
no career/job
bad friends
no friends
.. If you find out what level of pain you are willing to live with, you will find your motivator!

Now the exception is: some people may actually have mental disorders that require medications...(if you think you will hurt yourself, someone else or just stop  enjoying life..you may need therapy and they will decide if you need more.
I am NOT talking about this type of person!
I am talking about those that may have grew up in a group home or a home with NO structure, deadlines,
 boundries....
so you may not eat, eat too much- even when the doctor is telling you its killing you, may not excersize, you may do things, you know will make your mental and physical health bad....(smoking)
YOU DO THIS BECAUSE YOU DID NOT SET A LEVEL OF PAIN THAT WOULD STOP YOU WHEN IT HURTS SO BAD!!!!
I want you to think of your most painful moment, remember it, use this memory to motivate you NOT to do the same thing you did before!! Set up a plan to get out of debt, don't get more credit cards!
let go of your abusive partner, don't marry them and have kids!! (this is harder than it seems but you can go to places like my sisters place and other woman's safe haven from abuse)
if you are overweight and the doctor says your diabetes is because of it, SET up a workout plan, walk 5 miles a day..it cost NO money, its free to walk...get rid of your bread, pasta and rice.... only good carbs!! If your children are acting "bad" - learn how to discipline them with love and it will not be easy if your use to spanking and yelling BUT it can be done...(you can train your toddlers to do a new behavior within months IF you stick to the pattern!! have them sit in the chair or  go to their room, no tv, no facebook...you know, age appropriate...
THe point: life will not change and get better, until YOU take it by the horns and steer it where you want it to go!!! Nothing worthwhile is easy. This is YOUR life and it was meant to be lived with happiness, joy and sharing and caring, not pain...If you experience pain in a lesson, its good, if it motivates you to do better, help others and live life to the fullest!!
Use pain to motivate yourself not keep you down.. Even when someone close dies, start a scholorship fund in their name, help a kid that needs a big brother/sister..LET YOUR PAIN HELP YOU!! xo

smile, someone is watching you!!! you may save or change a life!!

communication

Hi blog family!

I find that when dealing with anyone for anything: COMMUNICATIONS is everything!
 If you say something and I don't understand-we have a problem 1. i will respond wrong,
2. not respond or
3. not how you wanted.
When dealing with people- you can get more from them if you effectivly say what you need or want. Speaking plane english also helps! no big words needed.
When I meet someone i don't like-which is rare- it is because i dont understand their value system or how they operate and they come across as negative or mean spirited.
So if you want to learn how to talk effectivly so that you always make friends/associates, practice how you will say it and to whom. After years in foster care adults tend to still mask what they really want to say--because they were not allowed to say it before so they never excercised their power of words. learn how to say and what to say in 15 seconds to get your point across-most people don't have an attention span after that...
talking/communicating is an art-not many of us know this or practice- i suggest everyone learn to speak more effectivly to get what you need in this life! hope something was learned from old behavior xo Tanya

Suicide/aging out

Hi blog family!Sorry to tell you about this story but you need to know- YOU ARE NEEDED in this world-NEVER think of hurting yourself or others. Not only do you lose your life but OTHERS may die or go without because your not here to help. Remember- WE ALL have divine purpose!!! You are loved and If you are aging out or in care and feel you want to hurt yourself call 1800 suicide or call 911...someone is waiting to talk you down because YOU ARE SPECIAL! This is why I do what i do-so that none of us who use to be in care or are in care will ever feel like hurting ourselves or others- know that you are what the world has been waiting for! If you want to be inspired and get through anything-read my book, it will be available next week, in the meantime- write me if you feel down, DON"T hurt yourself-We need you!! RIP ERWIN!!

Victim 'aged out' of system

By Dan Nakaso 

POSTED: 01:30 a.m. HST, Oct 25, 2010

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FL MORRIS / FMORRIS@STARADVERTISER.COM

Friends and co-workers of Erwin Celes gathered at Little Caesars in Wahiawa, where he worked, to remember him. From left, Elena Raymond, Kimo Negron and Aldah Cendana.

Erwin Viado Celes hanged himself last month, just six months after he "aged out" of Hawaii's foster care system, and now his friends are trying to raise enough money to pay for his funeral and burial.

Celes' suicide highlights the sudden gap that island foster children frequently fall into once they become legal adults but have no reliable support or even a bed of their own, said David Louis, executive director of the nonprofit group Heart Gallery Hawaii, which works to find resources for foster children.

Services for Erwin Viado Celes » Where: Our Lady of Perpetual Help, 91-1004 North Road, Ewa Beach » When: Visitation from 9 to 10:30 a.m. tomorrow. Mass at 11 a.m. Burial at 1:30 p.m. at Mililani Memorial Park. » To donate:Donations may be made at any Bank of Hawaii branch or to Heart Gallery Hawaii, 3554 Aliamanu St., Honolulu, HI 96818. Checks should include the phrase "For Erwin Viado Celes" in the memo line.

When he turned 18, Celes received court approval to stay in Hawaii's foster care system for another year -- until his 19th birthday on March 12, Louis said.

After leaving his foster family, Celes bounced between homes in Waianae, Mililani and Waipahu until he was found dead Sept. 7 in Hawaii Kai, said Elena Raymond, Celes' friend and co-worker.

Celes spent 14 years in foster care and "didn't talk about it a lot," Raymond said, "but he would tell us bits and pieces about being in foster homes."

Louis called Celes' suicide "a preventable tragedy."

can you make a difference?

Hi blog family! My book is done, I will let you know where to get it next week...:)

In case I never mentioned it - I do motivational speaking for kids in care and social workers/agency's/foster parents..My consulting company: Fostering Connections email me or send me a message with your info!


can you make a difference after foster care? YES!! YOU!! CAN!! (no this is not Obama) but same principle..:))
We are all here for a purpose--to experience, challenge, then motivate for action!
WHatever you went through in foster care is OK--you survived!! If you are a foster parent experiencing a child who is challenging--its OK...YOU can make it better ..(i will share more with foster parents later)
If  you are a foster parent: most of you was called to do this work because YOU have a divine purpose= to raise a future king or queen!!
It is vital that everyone is on the same page: This child's mental, physical and phychological impact is our #1 priority AND preserviing it is our duty!!!
You as a former foster child
or foster parent can mentor to a kid in care--especially group homes because they have no individual attention..
show them how to live a good life: eating/dressing correctly (including what to eat), show them new adventures, the museaum, art gallery, Paris, NY, the local lake...show them what beauty lies in this world.

 They cannot move forward until they learn to appreciate the little they do have...counselors that care, staff that bends over backward to make sure they get grants for school or a tutor, food to eat.... those little things matter, now how you can help...help them plan for their future by putting them in activity's that allow them to show their talent or skills!!!
You are an advocate and if you don't focus and set goals, they will turn out like most foster kids who leave care- 47% no diploma, some homeless, jobless, kids early...500,000 kids are in care in the US....25,000 or so a year are leaving, it takes a village to raise a child...you can make a difference by doing SOMETHING--help them get an internship, show them HOW to work, How to dress, (I have created a workshop--model behavior 101,  (since i use to be a runway model in Paris/NY)--
just for etiquette, walking/body language, talking, and behavior etc..)

toxic people

hi blog family!
glad you are still amongst the living...:)

my message today to you is: stay away from toxic people!
when you have done your best to help someone or befriend a person and they constantly throw you under a bus---leave the friendship.
It can only bring you up and down like a yo-yo--who wants that?
Sometimes people hold onto others thinking they "need" them...
You only need positive people that are healthy. Sometimes people appear wonderful but if you are around them long enough-you learn they are not healthy at all inside and it will show by how they treat you. Most people donot get the proper therapy to process what happend to them in childhood, ie abuse etc..) so they grow up as adults, looking for the same drama they had as a child, yelling, fighting, etc.. very crucial to process painful past issues, especially foster kids!!
 It follows you into adult hood and pops up in the way you treat people, use people, manipulate others...it will show up!!
As a foster kid, i loved being alone and enjoying me, so it is easy for me to "clean house" when friends are not acting right---learn to do inventory on your friendship stock---get rid of anyone who is not a blessing in your life and treating you with respect and desency--

a saying in the clinic world: "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"-
 learn to enjoy you,
do more writing, reading,
meditating,
exercising
 and more to help others, not hurt--peace and love Tanya

speaking in Maryland

Hi blog family!
I had a great time speaking with the hard truth panel for the last time today :( My book is finally Done! "Surviving Foster Care & Making it work for you!" I will get back to you on a release date!

 What a great audience of proffessionals that really came out to support youth in foster care!
I shared my story and then gave some ideas I thought could help. For those that were in care I am sure you remember the day your worker came and got you!
I remember being hungry!!
1. I suggested that they bring a piece of food when they go to confiscate a child from their home...along with a camera..to preserve their history! I never had a picture of myself as a baby or before 7...and the one picture I had....my birth cousin took and never gave it back... it would have been nice to see a photo of myself when I first came into care..
2. Be careful what we write in a child's record--it follows them for the rest of their lives....I remember when i read I was "slow"--when i first came in care!! I felt they should have considered I came from an abandonment/neglect situation....whom could I have learned from??? I did not start school until I was 7 years old....
3, Teaching kids in care to think positive, that they will be there own hero at the end of the day...by going to class, finding good support, loving self etc...and finding their gifts and talent at a young age will give them confidence...nothing like knowing you have "something" people appreciate.. your sense of value is increased..
4. hiring ex foster care alumni like us, My book, workshops I created, the blog of encouragement...kids like familiarity...we have been there, done that and now as Oprah says...the AHHHHH moments, but we share it with the kids BEFORE they age out!!

I had plenty more but we only had 20 minutes.....know that alot of people are working to change the lives of kids in foster care, thanks for listiening Maryland!! xo Tanya

why me?

hi blog family!!

you see in the headlines today a man at the Discovery channel in MD took hostages--because he felt the programming was bogus...selling products rather than telling us how to be "green"...
what about the mother that threw her toddler in the water....so she could get even with her husband for leaving her??
well I feel sorry for these people and I can tell you how NOT to end up like them.............don't think why me?
Start with why not me and by realizing WE all go through something in life and we have to VALUE life and VALUE others lives along with the universe!!!
If you really understand how to value - then you can see why I feel it is your most important tool for fighting pity parties,  depression, homicidal/suicidal thought and the many other feelings from "things" that happen to us in life.
Often we want to have pity parties or blame others but look inside and value, respect YOU and what was naturally put on this earth..
once you see that vision you can always get through anything.

This lady and man felt hopless and had no regard for others nor themselves. How do you throw a toddler over a bridge>??? SELFISHNESS! how do you take someone hostage who has NOTHING to do with your cause..SELFISHNESS!! Your life is valuable in everyway--to you and to others!!!
 no matter what we go through in this life remember there will be other lives and this is only temperary, you don't need to kill yourself or others, believe me you will go-  on your own when the universe feels you did what you needed to do or that you are not going to act on what you were given to you!!
WOrk on how to destress.. walk, talk, sports, writing, reading, singing, meditating---
.times are hard and people are scared....
 everyone is watching our economy (but the evil 8% who have all the wealth or those who planned well and that's ok --you have to stay focused on staying postive and when you hear stories like this remember while none of us are far removed, this is not the kind of action you take to get attention--the action you take is working on you, finding your gifts and talents that can bring you extra money...and just learn to enjoy you and yours, without all the frills...I think you deserve the best but if you cannot right now or times seem hard, focus on what you DO have and how grateful we are to be amongst the living.... we all are worth something to the universe and each other, respect ALL life and all creatures, especially yourself enough to know times always can get better and you can pull through anyting, if you hold on long enough..... smile, someone is watching...Tanya

Trust

Hi blog family!

trust- does this issue come up often- it should because the first person you trusted--your mom and dad--have vanished out of your life due to abuse, neglect, death or abandonment!
How do you move on from that? One day at a time-like they say in AA!
You have to start by trusting yourself- knowing that you did whatever you had to do to come through this far-that was no easy task!!
You can also start by PRACTICING each day how to trust.. perhaps tell a friend a little more information or a mate- something you would not trust them with BUT not so much information they could think it's  too heavy....example .....if your an adult perhaps a friend shared information and you clamed up and did not share--next time the topic comes up--you can share....maybe your the type of person that NEVER shares any information==when you learn to trust you will practice telling a LITLLE information.
You cannot become good at trusting until you practice with people you do love and trust in your life....if nothing else, you will learn how to pick trustworthy people by NOT having them throw what you said back at you when they are angry.. and if they do....SO WHAT!! the world will not end just because someone knows you lived in a group home -if anything- they may understand and respect you more...
Read and Laugh--yes, learn to laugh at yourself...read every self help book you can on how to trust others--youtube it google it...whatever..just learn everything you can about trust....
Open your heart--know that not everyone is out to get you--infact no one is, the bad just have a different lesson to learn and we may become their victim... When someone comes along that is good to you--go with it unitl they show you they are not worthy..Don't assume everyone wll leave or hurt you--assume most people like you and want to help you.....
you are blessed and loved-smile, someone is watching!!

Pianist Liu Wei(from Chinese talent show) eng sub

i wanted you all to see this to know, no matter what you "lost" in this life- the body is made the way it is for a reason. honor your body and mind by keeping it top shape and NEVER underestimating it!!

Tanya Cooper August 19 at 8:20am

language, color, $ none matters but tanacity and the will to thrive--even when you have less!! instead of saying he has no hands, he said "i do have feet and they are the same as hands eccept in a different location! amazing young man!!

time for new relationships!!

National Youth Conference Quote of the day.

Hi blog family!


We had a great time at the  Youth Conference! Teens, Anyone working with foster kids - or any kids for that matter, really missed it!
 pics to follow soon!
Keynote speaker, DMC, (of legendary rap duo RUN DMC), delivered a powerful message that Even Jessus and Moses was foster kids...telling how one was put in a basket down the river and found and raised by the Egyptians and he told how  baby Jesus was also raised by someone else!

Wow! best part was the fact that- looked who they turned out to be!
DMC was powerful talking about how  he always questioned "his Purpose", knowing that it was not just to be "famous"!

The Panel spoke:
 all telling our personal stories, the hard truth of foster care!
Basically I told the kids they are the Cinderella's, {Prince & Knight & shinning armor and they need to go out into the big beautful world and write their own fairytales, with themselves, as the hero!

The workshops taught about financial responsibility and the importance of saving, how to make good food choices, "I like me", and a also included others, even workshops for foster parents and social workers!
I cannot wait for you to read my book, "Surviving Foster care & Making it work for you,
you will see how I survived care.

It is important for you to share your experience and give back when you can, someone's life may be changed!
I leave you with a quote form one of America's top 100 influential people: Senator Jon Kye - "There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go IF he does'nt mind who gets the credit!"