fosterkidsonly: Tanya delivers a message to youth

fosterkidsonly: Tanya delivers a message to youth: "Foster Kids, Personal Mentors Honored at Event Scholarship funds, awards presented at event coinciding with National Foster Care Month. By ..."

fosterkidsonly: Tanya in the Journal News!

fosterkidsonly: Tanya in the Journal News!: "Former Bedford foster child honors her late brother by helping others May 12, 2011 | Comments Twitter Facebook Share Email P..."

fosterkidsonly: Tanya in the Journal News!

fosterkidsonly: Tanya in the Journal News!: "Former Bedford foster child honors her late brother by helping others May 12, 2011 | Comments Twitter Facebook Share Email P..."

toxic relationships

hi blog family!

Hope you enjoy your holiday today.

Meet a lovely couple the other day, that confided they have been together more than 14 years BUT because of husbands past abuse, they almost split, this time for good!
I talked to the young man (he was only 36) for an hour, seeing where his head was at, and why this young beautiful lady decided to stay with him:
like most abusers" He was charming, convincing, appeared to have a heart of gold, 
what may have separated him and what was most important- HE STARTED GOING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CLASSES! his reaction to what he did and to TAKE action, was a good start....

Now personally, I would not allow a man or anyone else for that matter to raise their voice  or hit me, it was how I was raised by my foster mother and my birth brother (and several other good foster brothers, would never allow guys, even in middle school to hit me or talk crazy--
I know now, most people are not so lucky.
Family's like Nicole'Simpson will often sit by and watch, never doing anything; maybe they are scared, perhaps they have been made to look bad by helping before and now she went back to the guy...perhaps like Nicol's family, they were getting football game perks--I don't know but allot of family's are not stepping up to the plate. maybe their is reason but I am grateful my brother would have never allowed any man to put his hands on me-that's how he was raised!

I cannot judge the young lady for staying with him as she has 4 kids..two step, two kids by him 2 and 11 (the 2 yrs old was biting the brother and hitting him because she could not get out of stroller.....)

and he raised her daughter since she was a baby, at 16 she seemed like a nice young lady, passive, considering she may have witnessed abuse. I could tell she had allot on her plate, including caring for her siblings while the parents go outside to... "light up"..(that is an oxymoron)...No kid should have to witness abuse! I can already tell what type of person she will be dating if someone does not break the cycle!! Lovely girl stuck in "motherhood" already, because parents are to busy.....acting like teenagers...

 I explained to the young man that if his vow, "to never hit her again" is true, he will stay in therapy AND bring the family in as well. (I wanted tried tell him to stop smoking too, but he blew it over, not realizing "getting high" may be half the problem!)
 He stated they are all in therapy and that after she left him this last time for 8 days, he realized what a fool he had been and that's when he got help. SOUNDS good......but...keep in mind the "smoking'...and drinking......usually not a good mix with abuse or a "vow"....but I cannot judge....only advise...


Now if I was the young lady, I would tread with great caution BUT she, coming from an abusive background, not having much confidence after being abused as a kid, I could understand why she stayed, (he compliments and builds her up, at least in public and was very loving ie..possessive, they were together at hip........ to her.) (a skill that all abusers have).....may I say she looked like with a little training, a supermodel!!
What do I want you to get from all this?
If you are in this situation: It is never too late to start fresh! Don't settle into relationships that allow you to be ok with someone "stalking, hitting or being possessive of you!

with organizations like My sister's place, you can always get out!

There is NO reason to ever be with a guy that beats you! Even if he found you with someone else, he should walk away! not beat you!
If you came from a group home and do not know better, no one can judge you, Just know that only YOU can change how you are being treated and what type of guys/girls you attract to. Do better than your parents did...an don't think "my parents were perfect, they never fought" its just me attracting to these type of men--not.... their relationship (or lack of) played some role, unless you got caught up in drug life...which still will lead back to childhood issues in my OPINION...this is not facts, only my opinions...they could be wrong but so far, I  have been a good reader of people...because as a former foster girl, (who also studied Psychology)....I can read people well, and they usually are what you SEE the first time you meet them! good or bad...

If you are attracting "Drama" people, its because you never got rid of the drama from your past....so now the mind and body are doing what's familiar, looking for the same chaos because you don't "feel" right if your not around the same chaos.

That could mean you grew up in an alcoholic family, and you had to protect, lie, hide OR it could mean your mom or dad was a "control" freak, so you compensated by getting a guy that would control" your life, because you never really learned how.
You may be with this guy because you never had any attention" paid to you, and when you meet him, he treated you like no other....whatever the reason your with an abusive partner, I pray for you, that you will see the signs before its too late or your kids get older and become victims of an abuser, or become the abuser...
abusers are very charming BUT they always give a clue the first few weeks, like obsession of you, "your not going to leave me" always wanting to be with you 24/7 don't like you around your girlfriends or family....checking your calls, asking where you at, when you coming back?

 these are just some of the little signs there are many more, including body language, voice tones...yes, all that, but most of us are not trained to see a classic abuser because we usually have on rose colored glasses, lonely, depressed or willing to settle....we all deserve the best!

 No one should ever hit you or raise their voice and if they do, you should be out...no waiting to see if it gets better, just out.... insanity is...doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results....

for those that stay because you have no where to go...
there are places that will keep you and your kids safe, it may not be "easy, but it is no harder than living  with someone that beats you.
If a person can put their hands on you, especially in front of your kids (showing them who is in control and to demean you further), breaking something or black eyes, you should not accept it because this means they have NO boundaries! 

What will they do to your kids, (aside from mentally mess them up; to hate men, woman, possibly become serial killers, abusers, the abused.....)
Love never hurts, if it does, walk away on the first warning..

Ladies who have kids, be very careful not only if he's beating you but he could be beating or molesting your kids..abuse is about control, it is a sickness that without deep therapy....cannot be healed overnight...
be safe and do what you need to do to save your life, but remember your life is in danger, call a hot line or google my sisters place and get advice on how to leave safely.

You deserve more, your kids deserve peace, love and a mommy in one piece xo
You are special and loved--STOP THE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMAN AND CHILDREN!!! WALK AWAY SAFELY!!
Tanya

moving....again

ok i admit i am NOT a techy!! i am talking like a bruce lee flick, but you get the point so watch!!

My book is ready at:  creatspace.com surviving foster care and making it work for you!

Hi bog family!

for those that are in another group home: I did a short vid for you above but for those that like to read:

What are your priority's when you move to another home??

1. Be Safe
2. Make good choices on PPT: people you meet, places you go and the things you do in your spare time - your time is very valuable and you only have so many years before you "age out"!!

Watch for positive people: they will say things like: you can, great job, your smart, that's hot, we can do this!!!

Negative will say: no, no way, you can't, impossible, why??
Never roll with anyone that is not thinking positive and saying postive!! This is why I don't like gangs, they work because they know you are desperate for "family" feeling or sense of belonging BUT I will tell you YOU can belong by choosing good friends and getting out to good events to meeet new good, people!!!

Smile, someone is watching you that just came in, make a good impression so they will do the same!!

For those that were in care and moved alot: 

Moving is a good way to get to know people, find a job in sales or marketing you are a master at knowing people and various cultures ...atleast two latino and african american in NY and "other" if your from midwest or other areas...It is very HELPFUL to be around allot of people, you learn personality's, how to deal with others, and how to work as a team player!

Foster Parents/Counselors: please continue to be patient, it is hard moving around and leaving old familiar people and places. feeling may get bottled up, teach them how to express themselves and that it is ok to miss friends and old homes. Teach them how to make new friends, take a chance on being more open and taking risk, its ok if the new person turned out to be a dud, next.......xo

Take advantage by finding a job that uses your people skills!! Have a great day, you are all loved and special!! xo Tanya

Tanya in the Journal News!

Former Bedford foster child honors her late brother by helping others

May 12, 2011  |  

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Written by

Rob Ryser

• FILED UNDER
• News
• Local News

BEDFORD HILLS — At one point when Tanya Cooper was reading to her brother from the draft of her book about surviving foster care with a smile, her brother said: 'Coop, I think you are really going to do something here. This is going to save lives or change lives.'"

A year-and-a-half since the sudden death of that dear brother Robert Cooper to heart disease at age 41, Tanya Cooper is ready to test his prediction, starting with an outreach event planned in his honor at the Mount Kisco Library.

"This is about changing the way people think," says Cooper, 46, a Bedford Hills mother of two and an advocate who credits the Bedford community for enriching her life as a foster child. "Foster kids come in scared and frightened because they never know what is going to happen next."

That is saying a lot in Cooper's case. At the time she was placed in foster care, she and her baby brother Robert were being raised in Brooklyn by their 7-year-old sister, because their mother would disappear for days on drug binges.

There were good days in foster care and days she endured rape and death threats at the hands of her foster brothers, Cooper says.

"I want people to understand how someone feels in foster care," Cooper says. "It feels like an alien abduction."

Cooper's library event, planned for Wednesday during National Foster Care Month, is about trying to reach local children in foster care with a message that they are destined for special purposes. Even more, it is about reaching families in Westchester and Putnam counties with a message that little acts of kindness mean everything to a foster child.

"Something as simple as paying a kid a compliment can go so far," Cooper syas. "Foster kids don't get any acknowledgment except when they are doing something bad."

A highlight of the library event will be the inaugural Robert Cooper Memorial Scholarship presentation to a local foster child whose hope and positive spirit are part of a dream to succeed after he or she ages out of the system.

The memorial scholarship was created in a partnership with Megan Castellano of Carmel, the executive director of the Mental Health Association in Putnam County, and a high school friend of Robert Cooper's.

"He did a lot to lift up my self-esteem and what I didn't realize until I was older was that he was doing that for me and for others while he was having a hard time himself," Castellano said.

The hope is that after the $250 scholarship money is gone, the moment will linger for foster kids that they are heard and appreciated and supported, Castellano said.

In addition to the scholarship announcement and other awards that will be presented at the library event, Cooper will read from her book, "Surviving Foster Care and Making It Work for You!"

An extension of her two foster kids' blogs and her public speaking, the book sets guidelines for enjoying foster-care life and preparing for independence.

Anecdotally, it is also the story of how education, faith and friends helped Cooper make the transition from foster care to college and a career, so that she was able to give back.

Whatever her crisis, her brother Robert was always there, telling her not to give up, even as he waged his own battle with substance abuse.

"I didn't want every anniversary of his death to come around and say 'Oh, my poor brother,' " Cooper says. "This helps me stay positive and helps me to know that his death won't be in vain."

Tanya delivers a message to youth

Foster Kids, Personal Mentors Honored at Event

Scholarship funds, awards presented at event coinciding with National Foster Care Month.

By Tom Auchterlonie | Email the author | May 19, 2011

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For Tanya Cooper, growing up in the foster care system meant changing residencies and abuse. While she could have ended up as a statistic pointing to hardships, she overcame her difficulties thanks to support from people who cared.

At a Wednesday event at the Mount Kisco Public Library, Cooper raised awareness of being a foster kid, gave recognition to those who helped her growing up and arranged for a new scholarship fund to help teens who are "aging out" of the foster system and heading to college.

For Cooper, who spoke emotionally about his background, her childhood and teen years did not come easy, as she grew up without a permanent household.

At just 5, she and her three siblings were taken away from their mother in Brooklyn, who was sick and had a heroin addiction; she passed away when Cooper was 17. They were left alone for periods of time and with no food. However, being pulled apart as a family created its own problems for Cooper, as she passed through group homes and foster care, hardship that included sexual abuse. Since then she was tried to reconcile with her sister, whom he declined to name, and is trying to locate her other brother, Mark. Growing up, she was still with her other brother, Robert, whose life was cut short in 2009 when he died of heart disease at 41.

Even being pulled away by her mother, in a process intended to help children, felt alienating to a child who did not know the circumstances.

"They treat you like you're a rare animal meant for the zoo," Cooper said in reading from her book, which lookde at the matter from a child's perspective.

Yet, despite getting a torrent of hardships and obstacles in her way, Cooper persevered, graduating from Fox Lane High School - she lived then, and lives now in Bedford Hills - and then New York University. She also did a stint as a model in Paris, and got involved in substance abuse counseling for teens. She now has a family of her own with two daughters, Arielle and Tatiana.

Recently, Cooper has taken on a new, informal career as a motivational speaker, and is even self publishing a book about her experiences, titled Surviving Foster Care & Making it Work for You, which she reads parts of at the event.

This interest, combined with Robert's death, spurred her to action to speak out about foster care issues.

In organizing Wednesday's event, in recognition of National Foster Kids Month, Cooper got together with Megan Castellano of the Mental Health Association in Putnam. Castellano, who is originally from Mount Kisco and was a high school friend of Robert Cooper, got together with Tanya Cooper after discovering a 2010 profile of her in The Journal News. She spoke emotionally about the loss of Robert Cooper and passionately spoke about about the issues of foster kids, noting that mental health is tied in as an issue. She also noted that Robert Cooper got her interested in her career based on how he felt positively of a social worker who helped him.

It was Robert Cooper's memory that helped spur the creation of the event. A $250 scholarship was presented in his honor. The first winner this year was Ramusa Alejandro, who is a Fox Lane student and lived in a Bedford group home. For college, he will be heading to St. John's University.

“While I was too young then to understand what was happening, I was not going to end up just another statistic," Alejandro wrote in an essay that was read aloud. In accepting the scholarship, he said that “a smile does go a long way," and noted how seeing smiles would cheer him up.

Three honorable receipients of extra amount of $100 were also honored: Amanda Ocasio, Reggie Silva and Crystal Abad.

In her acceptance, Ocasio, who is a student at the Dr. Kenneth B. Clark Academy in Dobbs Ferry and will go to the Fashion Institute of Technology next fall, thanked St. Christopher's, which works with Clark, for its support. Silva, who also attends Clark, will attend LaGuardia Community College and study accounting.

In recognition of adults who helped Cooper, two Citizen of Change Awards were presented. They went to Mary Ellen McKee, who was a physical education teacher at Fox Lane when Cooper was a student there, and Gamilah Lamumba Shabazz, a counselor who supported her when she was in a group home as a teen.

“She did everything, but she just had so much bottled up inside and didn’t know how to release it," said Shabazz. "Once she was able to vent everything she just flowered.”

McKee also received recognition from Mayor J. Michael Cindrich, who issued a local proclaimation for May 20 to be a day in her honor. Locally, her ties to Mount Kisco include being a congregant of St. Mark's Episcopal Church, and having served on the boards of Mount Kisco Child Care Center and the Boys & Girls Club. This proclaimation was made along with a general one for foster care, with is May 19.

Cindrich recounted his own family history with helping parentless children, noting that he had a great-grandfather who lived in Brooklyn a century ago who adopted two children, in addition to his six biological children. They went on to become New York City police officers, he said, while the biological children turned to careers that included clergy and teaching.

Ultimately, the occasion was one to bring people together and to spread awareness of foster kids, as well as to encourage those aging out of the system to keep grow into productive adults.

Editor's Note: Some references to Tanya Cooper's brother, Robert, had him identified as "Richard Cooper," in addition to the correct references. The story has been updated and fixed.