toxic relationships

hi blog family!

Hope you enjoy your holiday today.

Meet a lovely couple the other day, that confided they have been together more than 14 years BUT because of husbands past abuse, they almost split, this time for good!
I talked to the young man (he was only 36) for an hour, seeing where his head was at, and why this young beautiful lady decided to stay with him:
like most abusers" He was charming, convincing, appeared to have a heart of gold, 
what may have separated him and what was most important- HE STARTED GOING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CLASSES! his reaction to what he did and to TAKE action, was a good start....

Now personally, I would not allow a man or anyone else for that matter to raise their voice  or hit me, it was how I was raised by my foster mother and my birth brother (and several other good foster brothers, would never allow guys, even in middle school to hit me or talk crazy--
I know now, most people are not so lucky.
Family's like Nicole'Simpson will often sit by and watch, never doing anything; maybe they are scared, perhaps they have been made to look bad by helping before and now she went back to the guy...perhaps like Nicol's family, they were getting football game perks--I don't know but allot of family's are not stepping up to the plate. maybe their is reason but I am grateful my brother would have never allowed any man to put his hands on me-that's how he was raised!

I cannot judge the young lady for staying with him as she has 4 kids..two step, two kids by him 2 and 11 (the 2 yrs old was biting the brother and hitting him because she could not get out of stroller.....)

and he raised her daughter since she was a baby, at 16 she seemed like a nice young lady, passive, considering she may have witnessed abuse. I could tell she had allot on her plate, including caring for her siblings while the parents go outside to... "light up"..(that is an oxymoron)...No kid should have to witness abuse! I can already tell what type of person she will be dating if someone does not break the cycle!! Lovely girl stuck in "motherhood" already, because parents are to busy.....acting like teenagers...

 I explained to the young man that if his vow, "to never hit her again" is true, he will stay in therapy AND bring the family in as well. (I wanted tried tell him to stop smoking too, but he blew it over, not realizing "getting high" may be half the problem!)
 He stated they are all in therapy and that after she left him this last time for 8 days, he realized what a fool he had been and that's when he got help. SOUNDS good......but...keep in mind the "smoking'...and drinking......usually not a good mix with abuse or a "vow"....but I cannot judge....only advise...


Now if I was the young lady, I would tread with great caution BUT she, coming from an abusive background, not having much confidence after being abused as a kid, I could understand why she stayed, (he compliments and builds her up, at least in public and was very loving ie..possessive, they were together at hip........ to her.) (a skill that all abusers have).....may I say she looked like with a little training, a supermodel!!
What do I want you to get from all this?
If you are in this situation: It is never too late to start fresh! Don't settle into relationships that allow you to be ok with someone "stalking, hitting or being possessive of you!

with organizations like My sister's place, you can always get out!

There is NO reason to ever be with a guy that beats you! Even if he found you with someone else, he should walk away! not beat you!
If you came from a group home and do not know better, no one can judge you, Just know that only YOU can change how you are being treated and what type of guys/girls you attract to. Do better than your parents did...an don't think "my parents were perfect, they never fought" its just me attracting to these type of men--not.... their relationship (or lack of) played some role, unless you got caught up in drug life...which still will lead back to childhood issues in my OPINION...this is not facts, only my opinions...they could be wrong but so far, I  have been a good reader of people...because as a former foster girl, (who also studied Psychology)....I can read people well, and they usually are what you SEE the first time you meet them! good or bad...

If you are attracting "Drama" people, its because you never got rid of the drama from your past....so now the mind and body are doing what's familiar, looking for the same chaos because you don't "feel" right if your not around the same chaos.

That could mean you grew up in an alcoholic family, and you had to protect, lie, hide OR it could mean your mom or dad was a "control" freak, so you compensated by getting a guy that would control" your life, because you never really learned how.
You may be with this guy because you never had any attention" paid to you, and when you meet him, he treated you like no other....whatever the reason your with an abusive partner, I pray for you, that you will see the signs before its too late or your kids get older and become victims of an abuser, or become the abuser...
abusers are very charming BUT they always give a clue the first few weeks, like obsession of you, "your not going to leave me" always wanting to be with you 24/7 don't like you around your girlfriends or family....checking your calls, asking where you at, when you coming back?

 these are just some of the little signs there are many more, including body language, voice tones...yes, all that, but most of us are not trained to see a classic abuser because we usually have on rose colored glasses, lonely, depressed or willing to settle....we all deserve the best!

 No one should ever hit you or raise their voice and if they do, you should be out...no waiting to see if it gets better, just out.... insanity is...doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results....

for those that stay because you have no where to go...
there are places that will keep you and your kids safe, it may not be "easy, but it is no harder than living  with someone that beats you.
If a person can put their hands on you, especially in front of your kids (showing them who is in control and to demean you further), breaking something or black eyes, you should not accept it because this means they have NO boundaries! 

What will they do to your kids, (aside from mentally mess them up; to hate men, woman, possibly become serial killers, abusers, the abused.....)
Love never hurts, if it does, walk away on the first warning..

Ladies who have kids, be very careful not only if he's beating you but he could be beating or molesting your kids..abuse is about control, it is a sickness that without deep therapy....cannot be healed overnight...
be safe and do what you need to do to save your life, but remember your life is in danger, call a hot line or google my sisters place and get advice on how to leave safely.

You deserve more, your kids deserve peace, love and a mommy in one piece xo
You are special and loved--STOP THE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMAN AND CHILDREN!!! WALK AWAY SAFELY!!
Tanya